Saturday, May 16, 2009

Best Laid Plans

My plans, giggle, for this pregnancy were to take it easy. Certainly to maintain the full load I always have at work, but also to take time for myself, take a full three months maternity leave, transition back in, etc. In short, to relish in my role as a #2 at thank the lucky stars that my wildest professional dreams hadn't yet been answered and I'm not the key decisionmaker. My corner office dreams were relegated to the corner closet. For a while.

Ah, best laid plans.

Now it turns out the big job is dangling right there. In fact, I'm Acting Holder of Big Job ("AHBJ") for the next 30-45 days. Completely out of the blue, due to exceedingly uncomfortable circumstances, but nonetheless, I've got a 45 day dress rehearsal for the Big Job. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a close second to the front runner, an exceptionally talented (and likable) woman who's been promised a top job for several years. I've got the advantage in other ways, but I've still got to stretch to get this. I'm exhilarated, excited, nervous and, yes, a little pissed off. Of all the %$#@ times in my professional life to have the opportunity to reach for the brass ring, I've got my miraculous, belly kicking love affair on board and my stomach makes stretching for that oh so ellusive brass ring a bit awkward and unwieldy. Yes, yes, it's true that I've already got the brass ring doing jumping jacks inside me, but the other part of me, a big part, a part that must be nourished and fed and cared for too, needs to see how far she can go because that's who she is.

I'm exceptionally blessed that I've felt really, really good this pregnancy. And I continue to feel good. Surprisingly, I haven't felt overwhelmed or stressed. I've felt, feel, energized. And I'm trying to put this all into perspective. That either way, it will work out. If I get the Big Job, I'll be the first woman to have reached that post at my company. If I don't, I'll still have a satisfying career, a shot at the Big Job later and more time. I'll be disappointed, yes, but the gig I've got now ain't a bad one.

I have very much simplified what's going on and have probably, well certainly, glossed over my feelings about everything. I haven't simplified my feelings of calm though. If this had happened a year ago, I would have been stressed to the limits of human endurance. I'm not. I have never been happier in my life. Never. And it's not because of AHBJ. In fact, AHBJ is significantly less of a miracle than my Little A. Maybe it's because of Little A that I think anything's possible and that everything's achievable, everything being, I hope, the grace to accept whatever comes.

Best laid plans.

P.S. I will save the story of assembling the changing table last weekend for later. The changing table with 14 pages of instructions in Spanish and 4 ziploc bags containing a motley assortment of metal and wood thingies. I will also skip over the slamming of part A into my tender head which likely resulted in a concussion of which I haven't yet recovered, contributing to my unusually calm state of mind. But I'll save that for later.