I can see clearly now the rain has gone...

Well, my vision's not 100% clear and the rain hasn't completely gone, but all in all the forecast is looking better. The sun's peaking through a bit. Thunderclouds have definately found a new playground. I'd say I'm moving into "cautiously optimistic" avenue, which is a couple of streets shy of the "Plan B" detour.

Let me explain. I believe we have a great shot in January. I feel hopeful that the embryos will make it out of the big chill and decide to cozy in and make a go of it. If they don't, we'll do in vitro again. I have no reason to believe that I won't respond just as well the second time around as I did the first. And maybe, just maybe, we'll get a few to put on ice again. And if round two of IVF and FET doesn't work, we'll do a third round of IVF. I've read that 80% of folks who do three rounds of IVF get a consolation prize for playing, a baby. I like those odds. So, we've got a few road trips before the detour.

The Plan B detour. I don't know what that means at this point. I guess I'm not ready to read the map. What I want in my deepest heart of hearts (cue the selfish part) is a combo meal of E and me. Oh, the child would be witty and smart and sensitive and, to borrow from the Little Prince, unique in all the world. I just don't want to think about not having that. Not just yet. Maybe never.

It really is like a death...

I was so optimistic. Scarily so. My stims went fine, better than fine. I didn't bruise from the shots. I didn't feel strange or moody. It was empowering, actually, to finally be in control of this process. Each ultrasound progressed the way it should. My lining was fluffy and lush and receptive. My follicles grew at the same pace and size. The RE didn't have to change my meds.

Halloween - I was the only retrievee on the day of retrieval...all the attention from the doctors and nurses was on me. (E told me I should have dressed as a hen; the nurses swore they hadn't heard that one before.) The retrieval went fine. 14 eggs. The transfer three days later couldn't have been better; the RE said it was "perfect." An 8 cell and a very handsome 5 cell. I asked, because I had to, if this doesn't work, what will we do differently next time. The RE said "nothing, absolutely nothing," and gave us 50-50 odds. And I knew, I just knew, that it was going to work.

I didn't test at all during the two week wait. I figured that I would rather hear the bad news from a human rather than a glaring single line from a piece of plastic. But really, I knew it was going to work. I wanted to hear those words from a medical professional. We drove to the RE's office on a Wed. morning and I told E that I didn't feel pregnant. But in my heart, I knew I was, I felt it was to be.

I peed on a stick, stuck my arm out for the nurse to take blood and then we waited in a conference room, listening for footsteps. And I knew, the minute she walked in, that it wasn't. And other than, "I'm sorry," I didn't hear another word she said. E remembers hearing "the good news is that you have two frozen," but I don't. And I cried. I couldn't even wait to get to the car. I cried like my soul was breaking and my heart was torn apart. I cried in the car, I cried at home, I cried at work (why I went to work I don't know). And I'm tearing as I write this.

Because it's more than just a negative, it's like a death. And I'm still sad.

Deep breath, exhale, relax, AHHHH

Anguilla, 2004. I call it "toes in the sun" #1. Or "bring a drink pronto, beach boy!" Or, "did I take my pill this morning? Whew."

And in the beginning...

There was a very optimistic, nay naive, 37 year old lawyer, who believed that getting pregnant would be a snap. Not so. E and I got married in June of 2006 and started trying almost immediately. One month, zip, nada. Two months, nope. Six months, nuh-uh. Visit to RE. Tests begin. Endometriosis...fixed, snipped and cleared up. One year...uh, nope.

Enter In Vitro. The journey begins....

October 18, 2007 - baseline. Become acquainted with the wand. He's a little fresh.
October 22, 2007 - first ultrasound: 6 follicles, which seems low. Was looking for overachievers.
October 25, 2007 - second ultrasound: 11 follicles, all about the same size. Yee ha!
October 29, 2007 - third ultrasound : 11 follicles, but BIGGER.
October 31, 2007 - retrieval: 14 eggs
November 1, 2007 - of the 14 eggs retrieved, 9 are healthy, 7 fertilize via ICSI
November 3, 2007 - transfer two, an 8 cell and a five cell. They are "perfect." (not my words; I thought they were awfully cute though)
November 8, 2007 - 2 frozen blastocysts. Glorious.
Ed. note: She manages not to pee on a stick during the two week wait.
November 14, 2007 - Negative. Devastated. Gutted.

This is my journey.