Wednesday, February 6, 2008

This won't hurt a bit.

I was finally allowed to get my ears pierced when I was 12 years old. We went to the Mall, to the store with the seat in the front window. Piercing Pagoda, I think it was. No appointments necessary. Just come in, sit in the chair, get pierced. Ears, that is. We got to the store and a girl my age was already in the piercing chair. Wailing. The Piercer hadn't even come close to the girl's ears yet, but the girl was terrified. I looked at my Mother. I'm sure my worry was palpable. She said let's just take a walk. And walk we did. We walked until my courage returned. I remember clearly making a decision, taking a deep breath and getting it done. Silver hypoallergenic balls in my ears and birthstone earrings I could switch out in 6 weeks. Amethysts.


I have felt like the girl getting her ears pierced many times during this process. Both girls. The one terrified of the unknown. The own who made a decision, screwed up her courage, got it done. Which one depends on the day. I never thought that my decision to have a child would be anything other than easy. Do what comes naturally and the desired outcome naturally occurs. It didn't. I chose invitro. The shots, the pill, the raging hormones. (The combination of progesterone and estrogen last November drove me to eat four not-dainty iced-sugar cookies in thirty minutes. Four.) And for many of the steps (not the sugar cookies) I had to take a walk, screw up my courage and get it done.


The arrival of my spear fishing needles earlier this week nearly did me in. I'm not sure why (other than the size, obviously). But I took one look at them and could feel the tears welling. I have to do this? I have to do this? It's just too damn much. Your kind, helpful comments did indeed help me off the ledge, back through the window, and down the stairs. Thank you.


And, as often happens, what we conjure up in our minds is far worse than the reality. I made it to the chair. The shot wasn't bad. Probably less painful than getting my ears pierced.


No amethysts, thank you. Diamonds should work.

12 comments:

heather said...

I wonder if using a cold potato .. no ok, this won't work. i can tell already. (did you ever pierce your ears with a potato behind the ear as a teenager?)
a diamond per shot, though. that might work

TABI said...

Ah, I remember those mall huts well where I too got my ears pierced with emerald studs. I wish you luck with the needles. I hate them, but I think not looking at them helps, and also watching TV while injecting is suppose to trick the brain. Of course that involves a second person in charge of the poking. I have to do my lupron shot tonight by myself without my usual husband's help (he's out of town on business- damn him!)

Rebecca said...

It's tough...keep up the courage and yes, diamonds will do.

Denise said...

I'm glad you're off the ledge. None of us were comfortable with you out there in the breeze with nothing to hang onto.

luna said...

love the post. so glad it went ok. the first one's the hardest... keep up your courage, deep breaths, and maybe some sugar cookies from a jaunt around the mall... ~luna

Duck said...

Teetering between terror, insanity and strength, this is one hell of a journey. I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in the swaying between happy, sad and manic.

shinejil said...

I'm so glad you made it through the first shot, and that it wasn't as evil as it first seemed.

Hmmm... like the present idea. Instead of that cringe-worthy concept, "push presents", why not "prick presents" for valiant IFers? One for each terrifying needle used?

Carrie said...

You are brave. IVF needs a lot of courage. You'll get through this. We all have wobbles but, with a deep breath and a few tears, we can cope.

Mrs.X said...

I was going to say exactly what shinjil said! If we all got prick presents (maybe poke presents? stick presents?) we would have enough bling to light up a small city.

Glad that the shot wasn't as bad as you anticipated.

ps - you've been tagged! Check out my blog at the post "The Post In Which Mrs. X Is Chatty" for the details.

Frenchie said...

Amethysts? That must mean Happy Birthday wishes are in order.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEBRUARY GIRL!

Io said...

Diamonds sound wonderful...
I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you had anticipated.

gracechild said...

i think sometimes, our minds are our own best hypnotists. Then when its all over, you look back and its like "I did all THAT?!". Good luck & keep going. I'm actually having a thing for jade right now. duh!