Friday, May 23, 2008

Away

I've been away. Last week, I was mentally away. This week, I was physically away. For what I'm sure is the first time in years, I had no TV or internet contact for a week. Email of course, but no internet. We had to go to a funeral in Beaufort, SC. One of E's best friends, who died of a brain tumor...the same tumor that Ted Kennedy has just been diagnosed with. Then we went with friends to Seabrook Island, SC, where we golfed and beachwalked and generally helped the local economy. I'm really good at that.

So. I've been away. And, as much as I think you guys are simply the cat's meow, it's been nice. Really nice. I've given absolutely no thought at all to infertility or in vitro. In fact, I've rather enjoyed my childlessness (hmmm, childishness?). Freedom to travel and spend time by myself and with good friends. Nice dinners. Good wine. Thinking about what I want to do with my life. Dreaming big dreams.

I'm still thinking about what I want to do with my life. Actually, I'm thinking about whether I'm up for IVF #2 in a couple of weeks. I'm having trouble understanding why I'm hesitant. Certainly, it's because I'm happy and emotionally stable. Lordy, it's been nice. I'm loathe to submit myself to the all-consuming exercise that is IVF. I've been at it pretty consistently since November except for the last two months. And, well, the last two months started out shaky (I mean, how's a girl supposed to adjust without daily shots in the ass?) but the last couple of weeks have been bliss.

So I need to give serious thought to this. Am I reluctant because I don't want to go through the emotional fire drill again or am I reluctant because of bigger reasons? I don't know. I. Just. Don't. Know.

11 comments:

Shinejil said...

Big questions, and good ones. I know what you mean about enjoying childfree moments and wondering what the whole point of all the agony involved is.

BB and MTB said...

Good for you for actually enjoying time away! Good luck with whatever comes next for you!

luna said...

nice to hear from you. a break from the obsession can be a good thing. tough questions. IVF has a way of squeezing the life out of you, or rather taking over your life so that you don't recognize it anymore. good luck in your decisionmaking.

JJ said...

Thinking of you as you weigh these thoughts--Im having a lot of the same ones--Im starting to have mini panic attacks: "OH GOD, what if this doesn't work..again."
Best of luck, Melanie.

Rebeccah said...

Sounds like you made the best of your time away, despite the sad circumstances. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. For me, IVF#2 was easier than #1, but that was primarily because the fear was gone and it was just a routine. Which doesn't address at all the "is this the right thing for us to do right now?" question. That one's really hard.

Mrs.X said...

Now is the time to answer those questions, before you start the IVF cycle and get poked to death. I firmly believe that you need to be in the right place mentally as well as physically went you start IVF or else you're not going to get the most out of it.

Right now, I'm so not ready to start an FET. Like you, I'm enjoying this break. I don't think, though, that it means I want to live child free. For me, I think it means that I just needed a break.

My two cents: don't jump in until you are ready to get completely wet. I suggest pondering this with a nice glass of wine perusing the newest Nordstrom's catalog. :)

Io said...

Nice to hear from you, but I'm glad you enjoyed your time away even if we missed you. I hope you figure out the answer to your questions.

DC said...

If you decide to go for IVF #2 in June, we may be cycling at the same time!

My husband and I have been TTC for over three years and have been through quite the ART rollercoaster. I just started a blog to discuss my infertility and other issues. Please stop by and check it out if you get a chance.

http://lupuspie.blogspot.com

Good luck with everything!

Phoebe said...

I worry about giving up all the things I love now about being childfree, and how I will feel about that if I have a child. It seems that our society, and maybe our own instincts, puts too much emphasis on a woman's worth based on whether she has a child or not. Can it be just enough to enjoy life as it is?

Duck said...

I totally understand this. I just spent a week away too, and I thought alot. About everything, about the hardest part of all this process, is I miss being me, I miss being happy. That I'm tired or being unhappy, and that something has just got to give, there is only so much of this IVF stuff that anyone can take.
Glad you enjoyed your break.

Mia said...

Yo , Marcia Cross had Invitro with her OWN eggs, yep that's right.

Please don't hate her cause she's got some fertile eggs.

She definetely ain't no acception either. Women in their 40s conceive and give birth to HEALTHY kids WITHOUT the harmful fertility drugs! I am living proof as well. I'm 43 and pregnant with my OWN eggs, my husband's 48 year old sperm and will be trying for number 2.

Often people are envious and bitter. I've had enough wacky women trying to instill that I 'can't' or whatever...their ignorance and bitterness was quite pathetic.

....I am truly blessed....

Baby Dust!