I met with my RE this morning and June it is for IVF #2. My protocol for stimulation will be the same as last time because, according to my RE, my stim was "perfect," lack of live baby notwithstanding. In fact the only issue they point to is my lining, which was 8.8 for my fresh cycle and 8.1 for my FET. So, I'll increase the estrogen and the shots will remain an actual pain in my ass. We're keeping it open whether we do a three day or five day transfer. If my lining's on the anemic side, it will definitely be a five day transfer to give my lining more time to fluff up. So there it is.
I'm not looking forward to it. There I've said it. I'm in a really happy place right now and I'm simply not in the mood to have my heart ripped from its moorings and stomped about by Clydesdales. I'm just not. What gets me is that I can't keep up with the varying cycles of potential emotional angst one suffers through with in vitro. First, my naive fresh cycle. I knew, knew, that it was going to work. I KNEW it. The negative from that cycle shook me to the core. So, going into my frozen cycle, I thought, ok it could be negative, which I have survived thus can survive again, or positive, which is wonderful. Negative or positive. Positive or negative. What I didn't count on was the Positive turning into a Negative. And that, my friends, not only shook me to my core, but screwed me up this way to Tuesday.
So I now can come up with four known variations possible for IVF #2. Negative. Positive, then negative. Positive turning into any number of horribles given time. Or simply Positive. I'm no mathematician, but it looks to me like I have a 25% chance of a good result. (All of this assumes too that my eggs haven't taken a final swan dive off the viability highdive in the last 9 months.) Hence, my ambivalence regarding IVF #2 and my new title "Supreme Goddess and Harbinger of Doom and Other Not Positive Events." Cue thunderclaps and scattering bunnies.
I want to be positive, I do. I want to be optimistic. Really. I just don't feel it. I feel like I've worked so hard to put myself back together after my Negative, and my Positive, then Negative. I've slayed dragons to get back to myself. I don't want to give that up, make myself vulnerable to the whimsy of the unknown. I remember so clearly when we started this process, I thought, you know, this isn't so bad. I can't understand why people would just "give up." Boy, was I stupid.
So, how do you enter a new cycle with a reasonable dose of hope tinged with a good dash of reality?* Is it possible?
*all advice other than "suck it up" or "take some prozac" will receive a virtual sugar cookie with lots of buttercream icing delivered by Raoul, my hunky pool boy.