Thursday, May 8, 2008

Supreme Goddess and Harbinger of Doom and Other Not Positive Events

I met with my RE this morning and June it is for IVF #2. My protocol for stimulation will be the same as last time because, according to my RE, my stim was "perfect," lack of live baby notwithstanding. In fact the only issue they point to is my lining, which was 8.8 for my fresh cycle and 8.1 for my FET. So, I'll increase the estrogen and the shots will remain an actual pain in my ass. We're keeping it open whether we do a three day or five day transfer. If my lining's on the anemic side, it will definitely be a five day transfer to give my lining more time to fluff up. So there it is.

I'm not looking forward to it. There I've said it. I'm in a really happy place right now and I'm simply not in the mood to have my heart ripped from its moorings and stomped about by Clydesdales. I'm just not. What gets me is that I can't keep up with the varying cycles of potential emotional angst one suffers through with in vitro. First, my naive fresh cycle. I knew, knew, that it was going to work. I KNEW it. The negative from that cycle shook me to the core. So, going into my frozen cycle, I thought, ok it could be negative, which I have survived thus can survive again, or positive, which is wonderful. Negative or positive. Positive or negative. What I didn't count on was the Positive turning into a Negative. And that, my friends, not only shook me to my core, but screwed me up this way to Tuesday.

So I now can come up with four known variations possible for IVF #2. Negative. Positive, then negative. Positive turning into any number of horribles given time. Or simply Positive. I'm no mathematician, but it looks to me like I have a 25% chance of a good result. (All of this assumes too that my eggs haven't taken a final swan dive off the viability highdive in the last 9 months.) Hence, my ambivalence regarding IVF #2 and my new title "Supreme Goddess and Harbinger of Doom and Other Not Positive Events." Cue thunderclaps and scattering bunnies.

I want to be positive, I do. I want to be optimistic. Really. I just don't feel it. I feel like I've worked so hard to put myself back together after my Negative, and my Positive, then Negative. I've slayed dragons to get back to myself. I don't want to give that up, make myself vulnerable to the whimsy of the unknown. I remember so clearly when we started this process, I thought, you know, this isn't so bad. I can't understand why people would just "give up." Boy, was I stupid.

So, how do you enter a new cycle with a reasonable dose of hope tinged with a good dash of reality?* Is it possible?

*all advice other than "suck it up" or "take some prozac" will receive a virtual sugar cookie with lots of buttercream icing delivered by Raoul, my hunky pool boy.


Denise said...

I would think something was wrong with you if you were looking forward to the next cycle after what you've been through. How about you stay with reality, and we'll hope for you?

JJ said...

You have a pool boy?! ;) Share him!
Im droopy-downer-girl about this next round as well...its hard to get pumped up when we can fall so hard. All positive thoughts for you, from me.

luna said...

it's hard NOT to be jaded after you've been through it all with the highest hopes for success. I think you just have to focus on the chance that it CAN work -- not the belief or the absence of belief, but the chance. can I have my cookie now, raoul?

shinejil said...

I say screw positivity. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Forcing that, on top of everything else, is just extra stress. Of course, doom lurks. You know what's at stake. But you never know how you'll feel until you get there. Just because there are four possibilities doesn't mean they are all equally likely.

Of course, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, having never done IVF. But I hate positive thinking about things that are completely out of our control. It's stupid.

Just give me some buttercream on a wooden spoon, Raoul dear.

melinda said...

Advice? Who the hell knows. But I will say you aren't the only one who struggles with this. My cycle history is very similar to yours. BFN, BFP then negative, BFP then negative. And now i'm gearing up for fresh cycle #3. It is so hard to be positive, when all previous evidence is to the contrary. I think I'm at the point of, I'm trying, which is all that I can do. And I have virtually no control over the outcome, so I'm just sort of on autopilot. WHen I'm at my lowest, i have to remind myself that just making the effort is an extremely optimistic and positive thing to do. So I might not have a positive attitude about it all the time, but my actions are optimistic.

Maybe if i had a pool boy, I'd feel better?

Joonie said...

I felt the same way about my 2nd round of IVF. It's hard to get back on the proverbial horse and to have to be optimistic too, noone can manage that!
Just take it one day at a time, the optimism may return or may not. You can't force it, just let yourself be.
Good Luck!

Frenchie said...

I haven't braved the waters of IVF yet, so I have no ass-vice to give. Just wishing you loads of good luck.

PJ said...

Ah... a post that resonates with my daily thoughts this week.

Super O said...

If you are not up for a June cycle, why not wait another month or two? Seriously, it's not going to change anything if you push your cycle out another 30-60 days. I think you have to be in the right frame of mind to do IVF. If you aren't, I don't think you should put yourself through the torture of doing something you really don't want to do.

I may be done myself. I've giving myself at least three months to figure out what I want. I know right now, the last thing I want is to go through a bunch more treatments, stress, etc.

The book "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF" by Lynn Daley was very inspiring for me for my second IVF. She did IVF 3 times before she had success. I think you will like her book.

tryingtoconceive said...

What you feel is what you feel. And as you read the blogs of your friends, I'm sure you will see they/we have all felt this way before. And that validation is so important to our mental well being, is it not?

And I agree with you, even just going through the motions takes strength and courage.

I, too, have struggled with where my emotions "should" be on any given day during treatments and between.

I repeat, what you feel is what you feel.

Carrie said...

I wish I knew how to do treatment with a positive attitude whilst not falling apart if things go belly up. I haven't got it figured.

I do think the intense hurt is less but then the sense of hopelessness increases.

Still, sometimes this whole deal works out....IVF then BFP then real live baby.
I know, imagine! but it does. I hope it will for you xx

Evil Stepmonster said...

I can totally understand you not looking forward to starting again. Unfortunately I have no assvice to enlighten you. I wish I could work out how not to hope at all. It seems to me that hope is the thing that screws with my head the most.

I love Denise's idea that other people do the hoping positive thing for you. Maybe you could outsource the worrying as well, and you just do the shots.

Best wishes to you.

Bee Cee said...

It is so hard to keep picking yourself after a failure. Sadly I always think it's going to be a negative, I think it is just my defense mechanism.

I know what you mean about not wanting to start, it's like we are ok in our world and we don't want to have the bottom fall out again, so we feel safer staying where we are.

Perhaps we can all be postive for you and hope that it does the trick.

gracechild said...

I'm commenting to have a shot at Raoul :). Seriously, hope is all we have to hang onto sometimes. Reality leaves us jaded with all the "facts" but hope is what dreams are made of and you know what... dreams come true. (Sorry to be so cliched)

HeidiM said...

I am having trouble mustering up hope myself anymore as well. And I just went OFF of prozac to give my liver a break during stimming. So I'm doing a 15-minute meditation CD and a half-hour cardio workout every day, I'm hoping that will at least keep me out of a funk. But giddily hopeful as I was during IVF#1 I think is out of the question.

My advice is to do what makes you happy.

And how 'bout a kiss instead of a cookie from Raoul? My hubbie will never know. ;)

TABI said...

This is an unending question for me as I tried so hard to be positive for all three of my IVFs and got screwed every time. That is not to say that you do have to have some hope or else you wouldn't try anymore so I think there is always an underlying hope there and then it's natural to be cautious after being hurt. I am keeping everything crossed for you for this next cycle and you just have to feel everything you are feeling.