I'm feeling like a one trick pony. A one trick infertile pony. What I mean is that I'm tired of talking about infertility. I'm saying the same things over and over, except sometimes, when I'm creative, I use different words. Sadly, I don't feel that creative anymore. Even worse is that I'm not only tired of my own infertileness, I'm tired of everyone else's too. It's just so damn sad and all consuming. And other times, it's the opposite of sad and I can't relate. I've run out of words.
Many of the women I started out with are now pregnant, or have made a decision to move to adoption or to live without children or to try more treatments. Many more women are just starting out with the same joyful naivete that I did. IVF: the final frontier. We have all or will soon combat our own immeasurable sadness and joy and uncertainty and soul searching and anger. We have all been or will be changed by our own unique experiences. My stroll down Infertility Ave. is close to ending. One final IVF and then the outcome. Of course an uncertain outcome but one I'm ready to meet. I've had enough. And I'm ok with that.
Lest I sound terribly ungrateful, I'm not. I have been buoyed innumerable times by the support I've received in this internet community. I've been the lucky recipient of sage advice and warm hugs and some laugh out loud moments. I've met some wonderful, dynamic people whose real names I don't know but whose most private lives I follow closely through words. I have been lucky indeed to have people rooting for me and sending kind words when the bottom drops out. But. But. I'm tired of infertility. No, I'm simply tired of defining myself by my inability to procreate. Of being a one trick pony.
All this to say that I'm in a quandary about what to do with this little blog. A part of me wants to print off everything I've written and have it bound into a tight little package to look at again...sometime...in the future. Another part says take some time and refocus and come back refreshed with a more interesting carnival. Maybe keep the pony for a little while but add a few elephants, clowns and a circus tent. (And always some corn dogs and an elephant ear.)
So off I go for a little while. Just need a little focus.
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9 comments:
Of course you are so much more than your ability to have children, but it's hard to see beyond that when you are in the middle of it. Taking a break is always a good thing. You are a wonderfully witty woman, and I hope you come back. You clearly have a lot to offer this world.
I hope you come back too, regardless of the outcome of your IVF. You have a great perspective on things and a wonderful way with words. Meanwhile, enjoy your break!
I always enjoy your writing...but I totally understand the need for a break. All the best to you!
There is a company that actually takes your blog and will print and bind it nicely. If I find the site I will send it to you.
Good luck to you and remember that in your sharing, you have helped those of us who are in the beginnings of a very long journey. So, thank you.
the whole thing is exhausting, I know.
i swear my hub and I stopped having substantial conversations with real people because we had nothing else worth talking about. and we both have meaningful jobs. but this just cuts so deep, it's hard to see past it...
I totally get your need for a break. some clarity, some quiet. the single-minded focus can just be too much sometimes, and not enough too.
I know exactly what you mean. It is difficult to feel like you are just putting the same stuff out there and it's not helping in any way. Isn't the purpose of writing it down to get it out of the system? Then why does it keep showing up again?
I'll miss you while you're gone, but I know that you will be so much happier when you come back.
We'll be here if you decide to come back to riding your one trick pony. I this last IVF works, but no matter what, we're here.
I understand - I feel like all I ever do is complain about the latest shitty thing to happen and how I don't have any money. I know people have got to get sick of listening to my same shtick over and over again.
I understand that feeling of having had enough, of allowing infertility to have hogged the spotlight for too long. Enjoy your time away, I hope you find your focus again. Take care.
It is always good to take a step back and refocus. But I will be waiting for your return and I hope you continue to blog away. This journey is so exhausting and when you hit the final frontier it is hard to stay fresh and write. Enjoy the break!
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