Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Dear God, it's me.

Prayer doesn't come easily to me. Not because I don't believe in God or a higher power, I do, earnestly. The actual praying part is hard. Last night, I couldn't sleep, it was dark, I was comfy and I thought it was an opportune time for a conversation with God. "Dear God," I began, "let's talk." I prayed for the usual things, "Please be with me and E and our families. Keep us safe." I was on a roll. "Help me be a better a person...not so snarky sometimes. Help me curb my impatience." And the inevitable, "please let me be a mother." Then, blank. My mind started wandering. I started thinking about Christmas presents. Who's left on the list. What did Santa have in store for me. Oh, yes, back to prayer. "God....ok, God...Let this FET work in January." Silence. On my end and God's. I wandered again. Finally fell to sleep.

I prayed every night up to and during my first IVF attempt in November. These were the "baring of the soul" types of prayers, almost akin to the childhood "I will never say a bad thing about anyone again, ever, and I'll be a really, really good person, if you just let this work. Please." I'm not blaming God that it didn't work, but I would be less than honest if I didn't admit that it makes me question prayer itself.

I read someone's blog the other day describing the blogger's conviction that her first IVF worked because she prayed. She intimated that perhaps others would have more success with in vitro if they had a closer relationship with God. No mention that if her fertility was solely up to God--no science involved--she wouldn't have a child. No, I think God's role is not so much "make my burden go away" or "make me pregnant" as it is "make me better able to deal with my burdens, my heartaches."

But it is a good question. How do you have meaningful prayer? Is it less of a conversation and more of a meditation? More of a sense of awareness of the spirit? I have felt God's presence in my life, but less so when I'm "praying." Is prayer one size fits all? I don't think so.

But I'm going to pray on it.

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