Monday, December 17, 2007

Do I look like I shoot heroin?

I wasn't sure what to expect with acupuncture. And now, after the fact, I still don't know what to expect. I'll paint the picture.

Cute little acupuncturist. (That sounded sexist, but I'm of advanced maternal age and employed, so I can say whatever I want.) She's in her early 30s, very "natural", but also polished. She seemed very knowledgeable about IVF. She asked about my uterine lining (very fluffy, thank you very much); how I reacted to the stims (peachy); any problems with giving myself shots (nope, I'm a natural); what am I doing next (FET, those frozen little darlings).

She gave me a fluffy robe to change into (soft like those sweet little Gund stuffed animals). She took my pulses. Plural. I always thought you could get all you needed from one wrist. I was thinking to myself, "wrists, listen. We're telling one story and we're sticking to it." Pulses checked out and I took the position on the bench, which looked deceptively like a massage table. It made me wish for Raoul, my massage/beach boy.

Situated. check. Fluffy robe. check. Bring on the needles.

CLA returned and I finally thought to ask, "tell me what we're doing here?" And she told me about "chi" and energy and moving the energy around my body and how all areas of the body are represented in the ear. Come again? Needles one and two in the wrists. Fine. Needles three and four in the foot. A little ouch, but still fine. Needles five and six in the legs. No problem. Needles seven, eight, nine and ten in the ears. Son of a bitch.

Then 30 minutes in the dark, soft relaxation music playing, lights dimmed, festooned like a heroin addict. I figured it was five bucks a piece for the needles and a buck a minute for the relaxation. Not a bad gig. After my ears numbed, it wasn't so bad, it just wasn't much of anything. I didn't feel my chi or my energy. I was kind of excited when my hands went numb, but CLA told me it was because I had them in one place too long. Go figure.

So, I'll keep at it. I'll try to keep an open mind. Maybe it will make a difference. And, I mean, if this IVF thing doesn't work and all else goes to pot, I might have a future with needles.

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