Friday, December 7, 2007

One of those women...

I have never been "one of those women." I never had childhood dreams of being a mother. I never picked out names for my future children. In fact, for many years I wasn't even sure that I wanted children. As a general rule, I don't think babies are cute. The neediness of infants has never appealed to me; I like it when children can communicate and do tricks. I'm fiercely independent and value my time to myself. I get itchy and squirmy and all is not right with my world if someone, a friend for example, is too clingy. With the exception of my husband, I don't like being referred to as a "we," it robs me of my identity.

So, for many years, I didn't want children. I wanted to wander the world, eat strange foods, take risks, meet interesting people in obscure places, have stories to tell. I still want to do those things, but my feelings about children have changed. I feel sure that the change began when my sister had children. Not because it brought motherhood closer to home or I got a license to breed, but because I was kicked in the face by love. Knocked over by awe that these beautiful, funny, smart, intuitive beings came into the world *poof* and lit it up. How powerful is the feeling of just loving these little creatures, not for anything they do, but because they just are. These are not my children, but I would do anything to ensure they are happy and healthy and safe.

In a very real sense, they opened the door. I have a taste of the love that only a mother can experience. And it helped me to see the power of my relationship with my own mother. My rock. My connection to the spiritual. My greatest supporter and staunchest ally. My friend.

So, it's been a long time coming, but I think I can be a mother. A good one. Maybe I am one of those women after all.


Working Girl said...

I found your blog this morning through a comment you left on someone else's blog. I applaud your honesty. There are too many of us who thought we could have it all on our terms. And, maybe most of us can but, does the ride need to be so long and tortuous?!

Kathy V said...

I came via the creme. Thanks for posting this insightful post.