Monday, January 28, 2008

Stop stepping on my toes and let me lead.

I'm going to put Schraft's, A Walgreens Speciality Pharmacy, on speed dial. More Lupron, please. Yes, just use the credit card you have on file. Another Sharps container? Well, yes, I guess I'm going to need that. How many syringes? How many have you got? Oh, an additional 10 will be fine. Do I need anything else? Sister, you have no idea.

The biggest complaint I have about infertility, other than the obvious, is the lack of control. I have no idea how this is going to end up. No idea. And while I wait until ultimately it becomes known to us what the outcome will be, I put a sizable portion of my life on hold. It wasn't clear to me how much until today. A few weeks ago, I thought today was the day I would have my FET. Sure, I recognized that it could change by a couple of days, but I marked it out on my calendar. Told my boss and clients that I was having a "procedure" and planned for a couple of days of emails, Little Debbies, the food network and, dear God, please George Clooney on HBO. Except, it wasn't to be. No "procedure." I'm healed! Hallelujah.

There's no guarantee, I now see, that February will be the magic month. Or April or June or 2008. Can we plan a week get away in May? Dunno. Any number of things could be happening. Cycling. In between cycling. Knocked up, in which case I don't think I'll be going to the beach, thank you very much. New York next week? Sure, let me get my doctor's note so I don't get thrown in the pokey for carrying needles of mass destruction on the plane.

Let me be honest. I've grown accustomed to having some measure of control over my life. I've worked very hard to get where I am. I've stumbled and fallen but also soared. I've had heartbreak that suffocated my soul and crushing, senseless, overwhelming joy. And I've learned from it all. I'm self sufficient. If E were to leave me for a nubile young thing and assuming the authorities never found his stinking decaying corpse and the dagger with my fingerprints impaled through his heart, I could financially and emotionally take care of myself (after much counseling of course)...and a child.

I simply don't have control over this process. I would love to think that something, anything I do will change things, speed things up, affect the outcome. Inhale essence of seaweed? You got it. Sip extract of rhinoceros sweat? Gladly. Insert dung beetle suppository? Ah, let me see the research first. I just don't get to lead this dance.

And if, as an English playwright said, "Grace comes often clad in the dusky robe of desolation." I'm not there yet either.


Denise said...

I agree. The lack of control is the hardest part. The uncertainty and unpredictability. Too bad we don't all have crystal balls to look into so we could see the outcome and just go with the flow. I'm so not a go with the flow type of person when it comes to this.

I've put off vacations, work opportunities, conferences, family visits, and the list goes on and on. I really think it is impossible to balance cycling with a normal life.

Io said...

"If E were to leave me for a nubile young thing and assuming the authorities never found his stinking decaying corpse and the dagger with my fingerprints impaled through his heart..."

shinejil said...

I hear you! I'm not in the depths of treatment (yet), but I can't stand how I have to adjust everything I do hoping to increase my odds or be in the right place at the right time. I want a life, not a protocol!

TABI said...

I could go on forever about how ridiculous life gets with this lack of control. I've made countless decisions based on a phantom baby and even though I get so angry I am doing this, I do it anyway because I want a baby. It never ends. I did come to some acceptance about this, but every once in a while it just infuriates me!

luna said...

I hear you sister! I can sense the frustration in your words.

the lack of control is one of the worst parts, though I could deal with that if I knew the outcome would be good, eventually. together with the uncertainty it just makes me crazy.

there is no normal when you're in the middle of treatment. ~luna

Duck said...

Lack of control, in any aspect of our lives can be brutal, and it's often the hardest thing for us successful women to deal with. You want a degree, you study hard and you get it, you want that job, worked hard and your get it, You want that baby.... bd hard and still nothing??

I hear you. Sorry your on pause again. Hopefully you will get the remote control sometime soon.

heather said...

i agree, the lack of control is so hard. I think that IVF tricks us into feeling we have a semblance of control, too.. and that makes it harder when we realize that that brief feeling of control isn't actually solid.

/heather & pickles