I vowed when I started this blog that if I didn't have anything to say, I wouldn't say anything. And I certainly would not, WOULD NOT, ramble on about meaningless drivel, like my quest for the perfect pair of dark brown closed toe pumps, hopefully with a bit of ornamentation to set them apart from the crowd, or the rude lady at the pedicure place who womanhandled my feet, rudely tapping my ankles when it was time to submerge or demerge from the soaking tub (and I would not, WOULD NOT, drone on about the water not being hot enough or the poor selection of celebrity trash mags).
I'm breaking my vow. I don't have a lot to say, but I feel like talking.
It feels strange not to be doing anything related to infertility treatments. No needles, no pills, no visits to the RE. It feels strange, but nice. Normal. I don't know exactly when treatment will start up again. We'll get the results of E's chromosomal tests in about two weeks. If all's normal, we'll jump back on the wagon for another fresh cycle. Sometime. I don't dread the thought of shots or pills or monitorings. I don't dread the retrieval or the transfer. I dread the waiting. I dread with everything I am the emotional toll of a negative or a failing positive. I dread the having to mold myself back in to a package of normalcy after another failed cycle. And if I'm being really honest, there's a part of me that dreads, a little bit, how my life, our lives, will change if the cycle is not a failure. (I prefer that my angst cover all bases.)
I saw a counselor last week for the first time in 6 years. If a girl has to pay someone to listen to her, well that's what a girl does. I exaggerate, of course. I have wonderful listeners in real life and with you. I've been struggling, though, with where I fit in in the world. Where's my place? Why do I feel so old at 38? Yes, I believe I even asked the question, "but what does it all mean?" I'm sure my counselor saw dollar signs.
I've concluded my Tuesday ramblings. I will happily report back to the group when my counselor reveals the meaning of life. And the winning lottery numbers.