Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I had a visit with Little A this morning, which disturbed him greatly. He went from sleeping fetus to startled fetus, complete with hiccups and gesticulating hand motions, as in "buzz off, you." The bonus was the picture of his little face, complete with nose, eyes and mouth. Bliss, pure bliss. He continues to display his little protuberance, hence the many references to "he." No one is willing to check the "male" box in ink yet but they are willing to say they've never been wrong. Hmmm. Still don't have the official results from the NT Scan, quad screen, etc. yet, so I continue to feel the flutters of anxiety. My favorite nurse told me to get over it, I'll have those flutters for life now.

We still haven't shared the news with those other than some family and some close friends. Strangely, I really have no motivation to share our news with work or the world at large for that matter. I know they'll be happy for me, but I feel like the news will be incomplete, almost out of context somehow. Here, I've been working side by side, even traveling together in some cases with many of them and they don't know squat about the journey. It almost seems trivial to say "I'm pregnant," without also saying "we've been trying a long, long time, I've cried a thousand tears, I thought at many points my sense of self was in jeopardy, and you, coworker, bitched and moaned about trivial bullshit as I nodded my head and sympathized without hearing you, and then, on the Hail Mary pass, it happened, but not out of the blue mind you, but with lots and lots of science, and I'm scared to death that my hiccuping, gesticulating little apparently male fetus won't make it, so hell yes you should be happy for me because this is a flipping miracle."

I felt the same way when I got my ultrasound at the ob's office last week. Of course, I was just one of many, many pregnant women the ultrasound tech had seen that day, but I wanted her to know that this was different. Different I tell you. Special. I mentioned that this was my third IVF, fourth really. Did I mention that I'm 39 and this was my third IVF? That fetus you're wanding almost wasn't, but look, look, do you see how special, how amazing, how magical he is? No need to squint, it's there from the top of his too big head (lots of brain there) to his little kicking feet. See those fingers, linger a minute. Don't go so quickly. Really, when have you seen fingers like that on an almost wasn't to be fetus?

It's not that I want fawning and cries of joy and proclamations that my Little A is the second coming, it's that I can't get over the mystery and magic and wonder that my Little A is even growing and wiggling and hiccuping, here, in this place, at all. So I walk around with my little secret, my amazing Hail Mary pass.

The world just ain't ready yet.


Dora said...

Of course these hard earned babies feel like the second coming to their mothers.

Congrats on an awesome u/s!

Mermaid said...

You're right, the world is not yet ready for your wonder child, er, wonder son. But, I'm so glad everything is going so well.

Denise said...

He is truly a magical miracle!

Hawkeyegirl said...

What a lovely post. Keep it to yourself as long as necessary, just know you've got complete strangers on the internet cheering on this Hail Mary (you should get a onesie with that printed on it).

Cassandra said...

What a wonderful post.

At least all of your bloggy friends know how special he is.

Glad everything looks good!

Jewels said...

I feel so many emotions as you do about my little bean, though I'd shame myself to even try to compare the journey and degree of feelings. Yes we've shared some of the same experiences, but I feel one thing I know is the further down the IF path you go, the more shock and miracle you feel your baby is. I feel I understand your feelings. For me, there was something so private and personal about my journey, and after a BFP, there is something so private and personal about my little secret miracle that was almost a joy to keep to myself for a while, (Just me and you kid ~ we did it). And there is something scary about announcing it all, I can’t pinpoint what, maybe fear (for me) that I'll have to take it all back and be left empty handed. Maybe sharing my secret depletes the intimacy of it all. Maybe a little of both.
Congrat's on your little hiccupping, fingers and toes, large headed magical (possibly) little boy who almost wasn’t. He truly is nothing short of a miracle.

Sweet Georgia said...

I loved this post! I can hear your excitement and joy just pouring from the screen.

Your little possible boy is a true miracle.

Paranoid said...

I found myself doing the same thing throughout my pregnancy with E, right up to her birth. In the hospital, I couldn't seem to keep from mentioning that she was an FET baby, even though it was clearly irrelevant at that point. I'm sure the staff thought I was a crazy woman.

Even now (2.5 weeks after her birth), I somehow can't believe we've been allowed to have this baby. The miracle of it smacks me in the face on a near-constant basis.

Congrats on your little guy. I'm so glad that things are going well for you.

Alexicographer said...

I came over from LFCA to Kirtsy this, but just thought I'd add my comments ... yes. I came "out of the closet" with my pregnancy (now my son) and I still tell people (he's nearly 2) a bit about how hard-won he was (though I don't tell them I'm now hoping ... admittedly only in a vague and future-looking, not to mention unrealistic, way ... to have another hard-won baby). Sometimes it's as little as "much-wanted, and long in coming" and sometimes I give more details but honestly I think it's good to be "out" if you can stand it -- people need to know about this stuff.

Congratulations on your hard-won son.

Mo and Will said...

Lovely post. I hope to be on the other side with my "almost wasn't" pregnancy and then baby some day.


Rachel said...

This is such a sweet post. I never knew how to tell people I was pregnant. I wanted to tell those who didn't know about the IF treatments (especially when we had what looked like a suspiciously shotgun wedding - as if!) but I also didn't want to always focus on the medical aspect. But then again I was never ready to just make small talk about 'getting fat' or 'baby names.' I'm sure you'll figure out the right thing in different situations.