Sunday, February 8, 2009

What if.

Today, February 11, I'm 39. Nearly 3 years ago, if someone has asked me (while I was popping a birth control pill no doubt) if I had any concerns about getting pregnant, I'm sure I would have quipped, "giving up wine will be traumatic." Silly, silly girl. When we found out we would need to go directly to IVF, I wasn't concerned. No tears, no hesitations, I knew it would work. And then it didn't the first time, or the second. My frozen transfer didn't work. My third attempt, when I became sure that my confidence was sorely misplaced, it worked. So far.

I'm having a tough time finding my peace with being pregnant. Anyone struggling with infertility or finding herself miraculously pregnant, particularly those of a certain age, feels that she's living with the "what ifs." I'm right there. Treading water in the what if pool. I'm nervous about the NT scan next week, the blood work. I'm nervous about having an amnio. I'm wondering if my little A has a pronounced nasal bone. I'm nervous about losing easy access to ultrasounds and wandering around the what if world for weeks at a time when I'm just another (hopefully) pregnant person in a huge office of obstetricians. I'm nervous in general because I eventually came to believe that I wouldn't be in this place. What if I'm found out? I'm not shopping for maternity clothes (I've just gone from 3 safety pins on the waist of my pants to four), I'm not looking at cribs, I have no opinion on burpees or bugaboos or bedding. Oh, but I hope I will at some point.

On a lighter note, I had another ultrasound at the RE's yesterday, after a long discussion about the ubiquitous octuplets. Enough said about that though. My stomach dropped when the dildocam was inserted because Little A was as still as a 2 inch mouse. Then, wham, Little A wakes up, spreads her/his arms and, like a mini Michael Phelps without the bong, pushes off with her/his little legs and extends his/her little arms, almost like pushing off from the side of a swimming pool. My heart swelled. I'm 11 weeks, five days today and everything appears to be progressing the way it should. And in another piece of gloriousness, I'm off the PIO shots!

It's turning out to be a darn good 39th!


Cassandra said...

Happy Happy Birthday! Good U/S and no more PIO are both fabulous presents.

A (fertile) woman that I know recommends rubber bands instead of safety pins, until you take the plunge and buy new pants or a maternity extender. Worth a try maybe?

Bean said...

Happy Birthday and Congratulations on the good ultrasound!!!

Here's to a great 39th year!

Shinejil said...

Happy birthday!

Another Julia said...

I don't know that there's any complete peace with an IVF're not alone there! I wouldn't buy my son's crib until I was 36 weeks pregnant--we got it put together just in the nick of time!
Sounds like all is going really well, though--thrilled to hear about the great ultrasound.
Happy birthday!

Evil Stepmonster said...

Happy birthday!

Congrats on another great scan. It can be hard to be optimistic after so much heartache, but I'm hopeful it will come for you.

I'm with you on buying things though. I'm still buying extra-large clothes and can't even begin to think about things for the baby.

Rebeccah said...

Happy Birthday!! So glad that all is well : )

Mrs.X said...

Happy birthday and what wonderful presents! A beautiful baby AND no more butt shots. Congrats!

PJ said...

Happy birthday Melanie!

The visual of Michael Phelps swimming in your abdomen, is uh.. interesting! :)

Yay! No more PIO!

Congrats on good things.

Sweet Georgia said...

Happy Birthday! I'm glad the u/s went well and that you've got a future swimmer in there.

Although I am not pregnant YET!, I can still relate to how you're thinking. I know I'll be a worrier about every step until I'm at home with a healthy baby. I wish I had some sort of advice to give to make it easier - I guess knowing is half the battle.

Mo and Will said...

Happy birthday! the land of what if is a dangerous place. i keep thinking if i can get (and stay) pregnant i can leave that land, but more and more i realize that there are endless ways to "what if" no matter what part of the journey you are on.

congrats on the good scan as well!


Denise said...

Happy belated birthday! I don't think the what if's ever go away completely, but they do get fewer and farther between. Congrats on a great ultrasound and graduating from PIO!

momsoon said...

Wow- I have just read all your posts for this your "closure" cycle and am so thrilled and inspired!

Your courage, humour and light-at-the-end-of-tunnel story is what gives me hope for our happy ending...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Go Baby A!!!!!!

PJ said...

I think he said that for insurance to cover it, I needed to have had three miscarriages for the tests for chromosomal issues. So they tested for autoimmune and blood clotting disorders.

bunny said...

Happy Birthday!

And thank you for your encouragement the other day-- I haven't heard/read of many who have done the flare protocol and it was reassuring to hear of a success. Congratulations!