Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Eww, eww, eww, call on me, I know the answer..

Q: When does the fear subside?

A: Never


I'm a devotee of milestones; a follower of "just get to point A" then, B, then C; a staunch believer in "just make it to X, then worry about Y." I haven't abandoned my cartography tendencies this pregnancy (yes, this, my only sustaining pregnancy). At first, it was the peesticks. Let them stay positive, double pink lines, a flashing "pregnant." Check. Then the beta. Let it be high. High and strong. Higher than my first failed pregnancy. Ok, next the ultrasound. Before December 2008, I'd never been invited to an ultrasound (my own, that is) which featured more than follicles, lining checks and ovaries. Let this one have, oh I dunno, a sac? Fetal pole? A beating heart. Oh please, a heartbeat. Two? Bliss.

Setback one. Only one beating heart at 7 weeks five days. It's ok. Little A is still strong. It's not unusual to lose a twin early on. I have my Little A. Now I need to get past that most magical of all pregnancy milestones...the first trimester. Much hand wringing. Multiple ultrasounds. And, on a wing and a prayer, we make it to 13 weeks. Whew. Next up: level one ultrasound, first sequential, triple screen, second sequential, quad screen, level two ultrasound. Movement, please give me fetal movement. Ah, movement. And then we got here...almost 22 weeks.
So at what point do I get to relax? When do I get to settle in with the certainty that this little life is going to keep on living? Will I be peeing on sticks as we drive to the hospital? Last night for example, my Little A was kicking up a storm. This morning, I've felt a few little nudges but no fetal gymnastics. Am I worried? Do I find myself poking my stomach and searching out month old chocolate to prod the child into action? Hell yes. Do I drive to the ob's office to have a visit with the doppler? Hell to the yes to that too. And what does my Little A do when I get in the car to go back to work...kicks up a storm. Sort of a "I am the boss of you, mortal" gesture.

On another note, I had a funny conversation with someone at work the other day. She said to me "so have you told your husband what present you'd like for giving birth?" I was stunned into silence. Not because the woman had asked something inappropriate, but because of the utter absurdity of the thought as it applied to my life. A present for giving birth? If I make it to birth, I will have been given the most astoundingly miraculous, magical bestowal of my existence. A bestowal that was over two years in the making and sheathed in tears and sadness and uncertainty and finally, unimaginable joy. And though it pains my soul to say this (as a girl who's inordinately fond of things that sparkle) no material object in the world is suitable to commemorate the, please oh please, birth of my Little A. Present, indeed. (I guess I need not point out that it cost a Mercedes to even get to this point.)


Duck said...

hee hee hee yes the present is the baby, tada, it's a real baby.
when does the fear end - I don't know never been knocked up as you know, but, I'm reading the book the power of now and trying to put into operation so I no longer think about the future or the past, just right this second. and that's it.
Hard -yes, but, I need to do it because when we do get pregnant, I won't be able to feel those kicks,and I got to be able to handle that.
Anyway, bit of a book here, so happy that A is a kickin'.

Denise said...

The fear never subsided for me. I had visions of anything that could possibly go wrong all the way up until the birth. And guess what, it hasn't gone away. Now I worry about what could go wrong now that they're on the outside. But, at least I'm busy enough now that I don't have time to dwell on those thoughts. Maybe you'll have better control of those thoughts than I did during the pregnancy!

Hang in there and grow, Little A!

loribeth said...

I wrote a post about "push presents" last year. I too thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard of (something only a fertile with an overweening sense of entitlement would dream up, I'm sure).

Evil Stepmonster said...

Sometimes I wonder if the fear will always be part of my relationship with this baby... I hope to be like Denise and soon be too busy to think about it.

My push present will be having the chance to push.

So glad all is well with Little A.

Shinejil said...

I never got the push present idea, either. Like you need to be bribed into doing what you should want to do regardless, if you're committing to birthing and raising a child. It's bizarre.

Well, time for a new milestone... what about 28 weeks? 40 weeks? 19 years? :)

You'll definitely get there, Melanie.

PJ said...

I hope with the most of hopes, that you and baby A make it all the way to the finish line-which is where the real adventure starts!

I know you will though. At this point, the doubt is probably mostly because of what you've been through and probably the horror stories you've read. It really sucks that that innocense and complete bliss is sort of taken away with the struggle through infertility. I am certain I will feel the same way if I ever get there.