Thursday, April 23, 2009

A typical visit to the Ob

Scene 1, Act 1.

Nurse: Please get on the scale.
Melanie: Ok, I will get on the scale, but I would like it noted in my file there that I just had lunch.
Nurse: Duly noted.
Melanie: So deduct 5 pounds. I've got on heavy clothing too, so better make it 6.
Nurse: silence
Melanie: And I mean it, I don't want you to tell me my weight. And don't write the number really big so that when I try to read it upside down I can't.
Nurse. Ok
Melanie: Oh, and don't leave the file where I can get it. Because I'll read it and I don't want to know.
Nurse: Get on the scale.
Melanie: Ok.

Act 2, Scene 1.

Pleasantries exchanged with doctor. Fetal heart tone identified. Fundal height measurement noted. Doctor prepares to leave.

Melanie: Hey, where are you going? You haven't told me anything...
Doctor: Everything looks great. See you in four weeks.
Melanie: Four weeks? Well, wait. Let me see what you've written down there, but, eww, wait, I don't want to see my weight.

Melanie reviews chart with doctor's hand covering the weight section.

Melanie: You know I had a big lunch before this appointment, so that weight, whatever it is, isn't technically correct.
Doctor: silence
Melanie: Anyway, so fundal height's ok?
Doctor: Yes.
Melanie: Um, heart rate sounded a little fast. You know, kind of like the old Lone Ranger series. Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum daa Dum Dum....
Doctor: Heart rate's fine.
Melanie: So what else do I need to know? Anything?
Doctor: Really, everything's fine. See you in four weeks.
Melanie: Wait, shouldn't you be scheduling me for an ultrasound before then?
Doctor: Why do you need an ultrasound?
Melanie: (thinking to herself, Why wouldn't I? Duh.)
Melanie: It's been awhile. What if he's grown another limb? He could have learned how to make obscene hand gestures since the last one ultrasound. It's best to correct these behaviors young, you know.
Doctor: silence
Melanie: We won't know anything until we take a peak.
Melanie: Oh, come on.
Doctor: (Rolls eyes) See you in four weeks.

The end.

7 comments:

Mermaid said...

Ballsy, I like it. Your pregnancy, your way!

Denise said...

Wow. This doctor totally doesn't understand us infertile gals. The doc probably thinks you're crazy, but really, the doc is the loopy one. Come on. What's wrong with another ultrasound!?

Martha said...

That is awesome! I always tell them I don't want to know my weight and then I try to read it upside down from the chart. Good to know I'm not the only one.

Sweet Georgia said...

You can be very inventive when you want to be! Nice try at getting the ultrasound. So glad that everything's going well with the little one!

Shinejil said...

So fucking true. I think we're having identical prenatal check ups. Right down to the u/s begging.

Glad all's going well!

Elle Charlie said...

That's a very entertaining synopsis of your doctor visits - thanks for the smile :)

Jessica said...

Okay, I'm a total stranger, but I have to say that at every appointment (I'm 31 weeks along) the nurses have me weigh MYSELF and then come and REPORT my weight OUT LOUD and in FRONT of my husband. None of this is good. Very, very, very not good.

I think the weighing part should be eradicated altogether.