Sunday, September 14, 2008

Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt.

I can feel the lightening bolts and pelting rain positioning above my head as I type this. Here goes: I don't want this two week wait to end. I don't. Really. I want to reschedule my Beta for sometime in October. Or January. I want to continue to live in the glorious netherworld of the unknown; of the maybes; of the "is that a tad bit of nausea brought upon by my powerful sensory aversion to the pregnancy hormone, or should I just not have had that 3rd taco? I'm living in denial and I like it here.

I haven't bought any pregnancy tests either. And now that I think about it, I don't think I've even scheduled a time to go in for my beta. Who is this interloper who has taken over my type A, "give me control or give me death" person? No idea, but if she's a good cook and can get me out of the office on time, she's hired.

Seriously, I had "the" conversation with myself last night. It went something like this: "Self, you have no control over the outcome, just how you handle the outcome. Your period of blissful ignorance is coming to an end so it's time to deal. It was a shit cycle, but you ended up with four fairly decent blobs of potential human life (did I mention that my last embryo made it to freeze?). This was a seriously good effort, but now it's time to deal in the here and now. And you can handle the outcome. You have before, you can do it again. So, put down the faux daiquiri and smell the noncaffeinated coffee. And lose some weight while you're at it." Bitch.

So that's where I am. I wouldn't say that I'm treading water, just that I'm floating on a very comfortable raft on a river in Egypt with no natural predators and a good book. And, self be damned, I get to stay here for just a little while longer.

8 comments:

Sue said...

Not knowing is definitely easier. Stay on that river as long as you can, and good luck with your beta.

Carrie said...

I love the not knowing now too. Not in the early days, it was all about knowing then. Now I am content in the 'maybe I am but I don't have to worry about it' way. Any result brings on a lot of emotions, I understand.

Still, when you do HAVE to know, I hope it'll be the best. Really hope.

Sweet Georgia said...

I could have written this post myself. I am in my 2nd week of the 2ww and I feel exactly the same way.

Congrats on the 4th going to freeze. Sending good thoughts your way.

Denise said...

I say as long as it's working for you, stay on the river! You've tried other routes before.

PJ said...

Ahhh... blissful ignorance. It's a good place.

Hopefully your beta results will put you in an even better place. :)

Mrs.X said...

Ooh, I remember this river. I lazily floated down it, completely blissed in the ignorance. It was a great place. Enjoy every minute.

Io said...

May you keep on floating my friend.

Rebeccah said...

Oh yes, definitely enjoy the float. Floating is lovely. And may many good things be waiting for you just around the bend!