Sunday, September 7, 2008

What a Difference a Year Makes

My herculean efforts to occupy my time whilst "resting" for 72 hours following transfer led me back a year to some journal entries (pre blog) I wrote during my first IVF. In them, I analyzed each and every "symptom", waned on about how "perfect" my cycle went and concluded, wistfully and between the lines of course, that I just knew it would work. I love the smell of naivete in the morning. I say this not with bitterness or irony, but, wow, what a difference a year makes.

This cycle ended up pretty well for being such a shitty touch and go cycle. But still, it's out of my hands. No "Dr. Google" for me on this one. I know, for example, that there are no symptoms during the 2ww, regardless of what anyone says or thinks or hopes. Any symptoms you have are a direct result of the HCG, progesterone and estrogen shots (not to mention the other substances you've been pumping in your body for weeks). Your breasts are sore not because you are a world class incubator of embryos or blasts but because of the aforementioned. Though I admit to drinking raspberry leaf tea, submitting myself to acutorture and eating copious amounts of pineapple (No hardship...I love the stuff), I'm not convinced it makes a hill of beans difference. (Couple that for this 72 hour resting nonsense I'm too paranoid not to follow...well as much as I can follow any kind of advice.) Nope, regardless of whether you do or do not believe in a higher power, make no doubt about it, this one's out of your hands.

I've also found that my support needs have changed dramatically since my relationship with the dildo cam blossomed into a long term affair. Three friends total know. I told these women because, well obviously, they're good friends but really because they asked. In a supportive, but refreshingly noncloying, genuinely interested way. Though the discussions have been brief, the support has been felt. I didn't tell my mother until after my first week of stims, not because I didn't want her to know, but because I knew her support was there, gentle and nurturing, and I didn't even have to say a word to get it. No tears this cycle, despite the ups and downs, and the very real possibility that it may not be in the cards for me. (Seriously, 38 doesn't seem old, but it's ancient in egg years.)

The last time, too too many people knew. Certainly, those who knew were interested and supportive, but when it came time for the fat lady to sing, the song was too much. For me, at least. I've absorbed a lifetime of I'm sorries. I find the sympathy clings to me like a wool coat in summer, the tag on the collar reads "you are to be pitied."

Not to say that the tears won't come if this cycle goes belly up. If so, I will surely exhibit a good bit of private wound licking, why me's, life's unfairs. I will probably lose my temper at someone who asks me if I know on which aisle the radishes are sold. But I've also found that with life's greatest disappointments, acceptance comes in time and hopefully grace enters the picture too. In time. Oh, in time and if you let it.

14 comments:

Jewels said...

I'm just thinking about ya, I love reading your blog, there is so much shit you've been through and yet you somehow put things together where I find my self chuckling - laced with a litte bit of guilt because there is nothing funny about IF - to the point its almost funny.
I know your sick of sorries, rainbow hope, all that stuff, but I want you to know you have (probably many women) but me supporting and rooting for you and reading your words.

BB and MTB said...

Just wanted to say that your attitude displayed in this post is amazing. I hope the cycle ends with only the best news. Good luck!

Lara said...

I've only been reading your blog for the past week or so, but I wanted to let you know that I really really really hope that this works for you.

Denise said...

Melanie, I am at a loss for words, because really what can I say? I think you know that I desperately want this to work for you. But as you said, it is out of your hands and anyone else's for that matter. I love reading your posts because they are always thoughtful and honest. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and that I'm here supporting you for you. Regardless.

luna said...

melanie, you;re doing all the right things and I think that's all you can do. as you said it's out of your hands. I'm glad you've got a few good friends who have shown such support. and I hope the rest of the wait goes easily for you...

Evil Stepmonster said...

Best wishes for a swift and easy 2ww. I'm quietly cheering from the sidelines that your no so perfect cycle ends perfectly.

S said...

I think it is a wonderful idea that you chose not to shout it from your roof. I put plenty of pressure on myself, I don't need the world calling to check on me or my symptoms every 23 seconds. That being said, I hope you have some wonderful news to share really soon!!!

Yaya said...

Good luck.

Yeah, i've realized I journal a lot less now that I blog. I sorta miss my journal. When I started the blog I didn't think people would actually read it!

Io said...

Hey lady, it sounds like you're in a pretty good place right now. I hope the time goes by quickly and has a happy ending. And that you enjoy lots of pineapple.

Mrs.X said...

I think you are in the best possible place that you can be in this kind of situation. I can't begin to say how much I admire your strength. I know all that you had to go through to get it and that makes your current attitude all the more amazing.

All of my hopes are for you and your little blasts right now.

And, I still love your writing. Regardless of the outcome of this cycle, I sincerely hope that you continue to write.

MommaLove said...

Thanks for leaving a note on my blog. It helps to know others out there are going through the same thing. Good luck with your 2ww. I'll be thinking of you.

Shinejil said...

It's funny how the second or third or fourth time through, the experience is so much less dramatic. I think this is a good thing.

Not interpreting symptoms during the 2ww is very, very good for your sanity. You've got a great approach to all this. You're preparing for the worst, but I hope you wind up with the best.

2roads said...

We are all here rooting for you. Good luck this time around.

debbie said...

Hi Melanie,

I stumbled upon your blog while going through infertility blogs and read some of your previous posts. Your writing is poignant. It brought tears to my eyes. Wish you all the best for this cycle!