Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Knowledge Sucks

For obvious reasons, I've developed a hefty envy of fertile people over the last couple of years. No invasive procedures, no regular blood draws and weigh-ins (Weight Watchers is much cheaper, but I've heard they don't let you blame the stims for the weight gain and there's no dildocam), no daily play by plays of the inadequacies of your and your significant other's reproductive parts. Not to mention the significant cash savings the fertile enjoy. Fertiles can say just about anything and the rest of the population isn't offended. "There are millions of needy children out there and you're spending how much on fertilty treatments? Just adopt." Or "I can't even sit next to my husband without getting pregnant." Or "I'm sorry your 4th IVF didn't work out, or was it your 5th? Anyway, I can't wait to see you at my baby shower. I'm registered at Pottery Barn Kids."


What I really envy is their ignorance, and I say this--truly--in the kindest of ways. Fertiles get a positive peestick, then a bloodtest, then, ba-bam, they pop out a kid in 9+ months. Generally speaking, fertiles have no idea that a thousand things can go wrong. I envy that freedom. Infertiles know that it's touch and go, day by day, and to not even dare say the "B" word or plan a baby's room or, for God's sake, wander into a Babies.R.Us too soon. Infertiles know that a heartbeat is only as good as that day's ultrasound and that the next week can bring devastation. And we also know that no matter how many times we say "it's too early to get excited," "too much can still go wrong," our hearts get wrapped up in that little grain of rice sized life or lives exponentially more quickly than the timing of our next appointment.

Oh to be able to disassociate. To compartmentalize the joy that bubbles under the surface until the grains of rice become babies. To capture that part of yourself that knew you were going to be ok whatever the outcome before the outcome eclipsed your wildest expectations. If only those little heartbeats didn't make your own grow and swell and burst. There I've done it. Again, I've exposed my pale, vulnerable underbelly to the fickle hand of fate. Six weeks, five days and a million more to go.

16 comments:

Mermaid said...

I hear you, sister! Well written. Too much knowledge does indeed suck, when it comes to IF.

Bean said...

Oh, I couldn't agree more. I'm always amazed at how blissfully "ignorant" my fertile friends are. It both annoys me and makes me jealous.

Joonie said...

I'm with you there! I have long envied the ignorance of the fertile world.

Mo and Will said...

Oh Melanie

I hear you. Every single word. Well-said and important post. In a certain way, I dread getting pregnant again because I feel like all of the joy has been sucked from the process. I mean, of course I hope to be pregnant again, but I sort of wish they could put me in a medically induced coma throughout!

hang in there!

Mo

Almamay said...

I've always thought after 11 IVFs that being pg would be terrifying. Turns out I was right but I'm so glad to know this terror. I'd rather be scared out of my wits pg than planning my next cycle. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

Denise said...

Yes. Yes. Well said friend. Ignorance truly is bliss.

S said...

Very well said. I currently have a pregnant friend (with no complications) that wants to call and vent to me about her scare of m/c. She has said more then once that she is worried that what happened to me will happen to her. I mean...come on! This is after she wanted to give up trying for her second child (her first was 10 years ago and an uh-oh before she married her husband) after she didn't get pregnant THE VERY FIRST MONTH!! With all that said, I think that people like us that have to try really hard to get our babies here have a very special first meeting with our babies!!

katedaphne said...

Right there with you. Mike and I were just talking about this last night. We miss that innocence. But somehow, despite all our knowledge and our fear, we too are embracing our little rice-sized lives and holding on tight. Good luck to us all...

Susan Jett said...

Oh yes. Everything you said. Can I just copy this entry & post it on my blog? Ignorance = bliss. Yep.

TABI said...

Holy crap, congrats on the twins! Those two beating hearts are making my heart swell (: And yes, ignorance is bliss. I can't even imagine how fertile people live their lives without out an really experience with heartache, loss, physical agony - it still amazes me.

the misfit said...

This is a beautiful post - perfectly written and perfectly said.

And, I'd like to think we have an advantage - suffering allows you to feel more deeply. Maybe we will love our children more. (Whenever they get here.)

Evil Stepmonster said...

Hear Hear! The perfect post for how I'm feeling right now too. Will it ever not be too early to get excited?

My husband remembers a post he read somewhere(?) about infertiles still POAS in the back of the ambulance on the way to hospital in labour.

Meghan said...

Hi, here from L&F. I said throughout my pregnancy that knowledge does not equal power in this case. And yes, the fertile are so naive...and I am so jealous

areyoukiddingme said...

After 2 miscarriages, I was near the 20 week mark with my 3rd pregnancy when a coworker asked me if I could stop worrying. I laughed and told her that I could stop worrying when the kid was 18 and not a minute before.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Hear hear! Oh the days of being able to go back and innocently believe that pregnancy=baby. Oops! Did I say the B word? What was I thinking?

(Here form LFCA)

Midwest Mommy said...

I will be honest and tell you I never knew so much til I started reading blogs. I now realize some woman are really good at hiding somethings.