Thursday, January 1, 2009

And she waits.

Thank you for your kind words. I didn't get my blood drawn. I was actually putting on my coat and leaving work to slunk to the immediate care center for a blood draw when my phone rang. It was my practical husband who, after I explained my soon to be slunking activity, laughed out loud. He said, it will either devastate you, leave you scratching your head, researching on Google for hours or give you comfort for a short period of time. Let it go. We'll know soon enough. He's right. Really. I'm going out on a limb on this one and certainly tempting that sadistic bastard Fate, but I feel something's cooking where it should be. (A side note to the lovely Phoenix: I found some old OPKs and peed on those. I find I've developed an almost Pavlovian urge to pee on white plastic cylindrical objects. Hide the spforks.)

That said, I've found myself in a strange sort of world these last two weeks. Too soon and too many unknowns to be excited. Tinges of worry, concern. Superstition, um, yes. (Do not say 'baby" out loud because that will cause the fates to zero in on me and realize that I wasn't meant to get knocked up.) Yes, even ambivalence. Not "I could give or take this pregnancy" ambivalence, but the "if I end up having to pick up the pieces of me, I want them to be large and easily identifiable, not a million tiny shards" self protection type of ambivalence. I feel a bit like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Between us, I had come to accept that this wasn't in the cards. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. At some point you have to pick up the hopefully large and identifiable pieces of you and move on. Now I find that there's a better than average chance that this could work out and, frankly, I'm at a loss as how to react and act and think and feel. (I guess that means cocktails are out of the question at this point.)

So tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. If there is something there (note I did not say the "B" word because obviously it wouldn't be yet anyway, but still) can I justify a bit of excitement? I'm not talking Pottery Barns Kids or What to Expect when You're Expecting excitement, but maybe a tinge of this could possibly work out, who in the hell would have thought it, contained as much as possible joy? If there isn't anything there, well, I'll deal with that too.


Susan Jett said...

Oh, I'm pulling for you! And you captured it perfectly - wanting to be able to find large identifiable pieces of yourself to pick up and start over with, if necessary.

Here's hoping it's not necessary, and that you are given reason to celebrate and enjoy very soon!

Rebeccah said...

I am so so so filled with hope for you!!

PJ said...

Again, it's like you're in my head!

I'll be thinking of you.

Almamay said...

Sending you all the best for your scan. x

Mrs.X said...

I have been where you are and it is not fun. If I could have hibernated for the two weeks before the scan I would have.

I so hope for you that this is the first of many uneventful and exciting (in a good way!) scans.

TABI said...

I've been away so I wasn't able to say CONGRATS!!!! WOOHOOO!!! Holy cow I am happy for you!! I know the waiting sucks but I am very hopeful for you!! Hang in there!

Another Julia said...

The 2ww has NOTHING on the wait between beta(s) and that first ultrasound. Talk about torture!
Sending good thoughts your way....may tomorrow bring great news for you!

Anonymous said...

It's like you are in my head too.

So many worries, fears, hopes, aaahhhhhh!!!!!

Why can't pregnancy just be easy???????

We have infertility to go through then 9 months of hell worrying.

Bug hugs to you.

Working Girl said...

Thinking of you and hoping you are well.

Sweet Georgia said...

I completely understand the ambivalence, it is necessary to protect ourselves. You'll figure out how you're supposed to feel when you get the good news.

Sending you lots of good vibes!