Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pass me a cold one.

I started a post a couple of days about how I felt fine. Really, really fine. So fine, in fact, that I almost typed "this pregnancy stuff is a breeze." Cheeky words from a woman who's only in her seventh week of pregnancy. Today, 7w6d, I kind of don't feel fine. I feel like I've been on a 3 day bender of vodka, cigarettes and cheetos. I feel hung over. Kind of ooey. Headachey. Sour stomachy. Nothing too dramatic, just out of sorts. Sad that the best way I know to describe it is hung over, but that's exactly how I feel. Don't rat me out, but yesterday, I shut my office door, closed the blinds, redirected my phone calls, spread my coat out on the floor and slept for 30 minutes. I'm fairly sure I've never done that hung over. Did it help? While napping, sure. Waking up sucked. Bed time at 8pm was a dream.

What concerns me is the headache part. I've had migraines all my life except for the last five years. Inexplicably, they just went away. No idea why. But last night I woke up with a headache on the left side of my forehead. It eventually went away with a cold cloth and Tylenol, but I so hope that this isn't going to be a trend. Particularly because Tylenol is not my drug of choice in situations such as these. Demerol, yes; Tylenol, uh no!

Even more odd than the symptom watch is how strange it feels to talk about it at all; like an impostor at a costume ball. In my deepest heart, this last IVF, my third fresh cycle, was what I needed to let go. What I mean is that I knew that I couldn't walk away from our efforts to have a biological child unless I felt that I had given it everything I had to give and then some. This 3rd IVF was that for me. Not even my harshest critic--me--could blame me from wiping my hands and saying I'd had enough. I didn't feel that after my 2nd IVF failed. I felt that I couldn't walk away. Yet. This was going to be my--dare I say it?-- closure, one way or another. Unlike with any of my other cycles, this one was just going to be whatever the hell it ended up being. I was just going to take the outcome, the good, the bad or the ugly, and deal with it. Sounds like "just relax and it will happen," huh? God, I hope not. IVF, no matter how many times you go through it, is anything but relaxing. IVF #3 gave me acceptance, even before the outcome.

All this to say, again and again and again, the fat lady (who is actually looking a lot like me these days) hasn't sung on this one. Tomorrow is eight weeks, which is excruciatingly early. No plans have been made, no decisions, no material objects dealing with maternity hood have been purchased. Just coasting. Coasting and hoping.

9 comments:

Elle Charlie said...

It sounds like you're doing well with coasting... taking things as they come? Take good care of yourself and rest! You sound like you need a bit of a break! Hope you can do something nice for yourself this week!

Shinejil said...

I think hangovers are truly about as close as you're going to get in describing the feelings of early pregnancy. There was a whole month when I just couldn't think straight, and I was only psuedo-preggers.

Take ample naps, eat well and frequently, and hang in there. You're one brave gal, and it's inspiring.

Mermaid said...

Hang in there. You're in a rough couple of weeks full of worry and anxiety.

Too bad you can't have a shot or two. Or at least a little Aleve. And yes, Tylenol sucks. Might as well be popping skittles!

Jewels said...

You explained it better than me, I told DF last night that I felt like Poo - and not a metaphor of poo, but brown chunky poo, I could even taste it in my mouth (ick).

I also understand the closure thing too, to me in a way - to her it hind sight, you'd think I was trying to manipulate God by saying "fine God - you don’t give me one this time, I won’t let you ever give me one" but that truly wasn’t the case with me, I was just done. Good or bad - I have no more TTC in me. I know with all my heart if I were to lose this one, I'd still be done.
I may have not gotten to IVF - but I did reach my own personal end. Almost to the point I don’t know if I can try for one more after this the way I had planned when I started this whole crap shoot.

Anyway - take care of yourself, get lots of rest - if you can help it, try not to eat everything in attempts to find that one magic food that makes you feel better. I've failed miserably in that department and have an extra 10lb to show for it. But you know - I'm sure a half a pound of it is part of the pregnancy ;p

bb and mtb said...

I followed you throughout IVF 2 and 3. I was lucky after IVF 1 that we are now expecting our little one any day now. That said, I think I understand how you are feeling - I wanted to rejoice in every crappy pregnancy symptom because I knew what it meant to be pregnant. Maybe you don't feel that way or maybe I'm not writing it clearly enough. Either way, you are doing great and you are doing what is best – take everything ONE DAY AT A TIME! So much easier said than done.

As for the headaches, I also suffered horribly from migraines pre-pregnancy and I was worried about them coming back. At 37 weeks, I've had exactly 1, and I managed to get rid of it with Tylenol (I was stunned it worked!). Get a script from your doc just in case you need something better in a hurry. In any case, I hope that was the worst of it for you and you don't have any more problems.

Wishing you continued good luck.

Duck said...

sounds good, except the hangover from hell bit, the knocked up bit is good.

Denise said...

While I don't wish the headaches on you, I do hope you have just enough of feeling "off" to give you a little bit of comfort that things are going well. I will continue to coast with you in spirit...

Almamay said...

Being pg IS the best non-alcoholic hangover ever. Reminds you that your body is workin' hard. Now, any time I feel good I panic.

As people have already said, sleep is good. The more sleep the less painful the symptoms will be. Lots of water as well for the headache.

Phoebe said...

I always felt that if I was going to feel like I had a hangover my whole pregnancy, at least I coulda had some drinks to show for it! Nada!