Saturday, March 1, 2008

Come Rain or Shine...

I'm glad this cycle isn't my first. Flash back to November, four days after my transfer, I was convinced I was pregnant. I had all the signs, twinges of nausea, sore breasts, food aversions coupled with ravenous hunger (I've mentioned the iced sugar cookies before I'm sure), headaches. Intellectually, I knew that they were most likely the symptoms of the estrogen and progesterone, but I thought to myself, surely these symptoms were on top of the meds. And I recall clearly the interminable two week wait. Every day, every minute, am I? Am I not? I can admit this now, I even went to Pottery Barn Kids. No, no, I did not browse online. I. Physically. Went. to. Pottery. Barn. Kids. I'm convinced the mini-kitchens and stuffed frogs caused my embryos to revolt and jump ship.

I'm doing much better this time. Sure, I think about it, but not with the frequency and intensity of last time. A heightened sense of self brought about by superhuman strength and evolving maturity? No. Just plain superhuman strength and evolving maturity? Unfortunately, nope. I have a cheesy, self help author to thank.

I was traveling several weeks ago and was required to attend an annual meeting with several thousand of my closest friends. Any participant in corporate America knows that a meeting of this size requires a key note speaker with name recognition. (Here's the part where I admit I can't remember the name, but he's the author of a popular series of "feel good" "self help" books). He was a good speaker, but his message wasn't anything new. Believe in yourself. Persevere. Blah, blah. Then he said something that did resonate, not because it was new or eye opening, but because it was exactly what I needed to hear at this exact time in my life. Don't be afraid to dream big. Act on it. Hmmm.

When did I stop dreaming big? When did I start crossing off dreams because they were too big? More importantly, when did I stop thinking of myself as capable of doing many things, having many passions? What I mean is, having a child is not my only dream. In fact, it never was a dream until much later in life. And for several months now I've been letting this one dream scootch all the other dreams out of the basket. The Pottery Barn Kids basket. If I examine all of those times in my life when I was unhappy or not centered, each involves letting one thing, one event, one obsession to crowd out everything else. I need dreams. Plural.

I want this to work. I want my little Mae West blast to shake her thang and grow into that precocious little Minx. I want my little BB to color in the lines in real life. And I've done everything I can to make that happen. But they're not the only eggs in the basket.

11 comments:

Denise said...

I'm glad you're able to have some perspective during your 2ww. Multiple dreams are always a good idea.

niobe said...

Dreams are, at least for me, a little scary. You have to take a step into the unknown and let yourself hope that you'll end up where you want to be.

Hoping all your dreams come true.

Duck said...

I agree, i wanted kids when i was yougn, then found out i couldn't have them when i was 18, accepted it eventually and moved on, until i met my husband, and everyhting changed again. It's hard. Hoping all is well with the embie.

Almamay said...

So true...

Claire said...

Sometimes, you have to throw all your effort into this one dream to make it a reality. Maybe that's what the speaker meant about dreaming big?

Working Girl said...

Dreams are so important. Some are meant to come true and we should do whatever it takes to realize them. And, sometimes we just need dreams to help distract ourselves through the daily grinds of life. The key is knowing which dreams to throw our hearts and souls into!!!

Carrie said...

I didn't want kids either for most of my adult life either. Then when I did it has overshadowed everything else that was my life.
Your post is so true. This is one (admittedly huge) part of life, not the whole thing.
It is nice to be reminded of this.
I hope you're hanging in there ok.

Evil Stepmonster said...

I have become a one dream kind of gal lately and everything else is being swept under the carpet - to be dealt with 'later'. I am trying to keep occupied during this 2ww but I find it's impossible to ignore my body - damn thing follows me everywhere.

Good luck, I hope Mae and BB stick around forever.

Ahuva Batya said...

Such a great perspective, and reminder that there is more to life, and to us, than just this.

shinejil said...

I know that I'm a much happier person despite my IF shit because, as you put it so well, I have dreams. I know that if I fail in this department, there are about a dozen other things I must do before I leave this planet. Cultivating joy elsewhere keeps me from flipping out completely.

So dream big! Dust off those oldies but goodies! Find some new ones! Methinks big dreaming gals make better moms, to boot.

S said...

Throughout my life, I have had many dreams. Usually I have a whole plate of them. I mean, I'm female, I can multi-task. The more dreams the better. I even had dreams for after one dream was complete. But this whole baby #2, m/c's, d&c has really thrown me off. It's like that is all I can focus on!! I needed to hear your works today. Glad to see you are still sane in the 2ww!!