My hcg level is down to "0." Zero. Zip. Nada. Phlgbbt. In a sad sort of way, I appreciate my body for taking care of things. I don't have to linger through weeks of slowly decreasing hcg levels, which easily could have allowed a blip of hope to arise. My return to zero means I don't have an ectopic. In fact, zero means I can start again anytime I want. A new beginning. A clean slate. Cue blue birds with spun gold in their happy little beaks.
If I had written this post last Saturday, it would have had a very different feel. The bitterness of "zero" would have been too good to pass up and the bluebirds would have been plucked, grilled and eaten with a tangy remoulade. Whether it's a good thing or not, my family and some friends read this blog and they have a tendency to get worried if I sound particularly morose. More so, if I shoot bluebirds. My phantom Saturday post would have had a Jack Nicholson in the Shining feel:
I AM SAD AND PISSED. I AM SAD AND PISSED. I AM SAD AND PISSED. SAD. PISSED.
And I do feel much, much better. Really. But I didn't post on Saturday because I was sad and pissed. I didn't post because I didn't want to have to explain later in phone calls that I was sad and pissed, but ok. So I need to add a disclaimer to my family and friends who read this, my struggle with infertility blog. Here goes:
I'm still me. I have not morphed into someone whose sole interest in life is having a child. I continue to be stronger than the average bear. I continue to work. Hard. I continue to have dreams beyond simply having a child. I would love to write fiction. I would really love to go to culinary school. I continue to be the only one in the room who laughs at my jokes. It is simply not my fault that others have no sense of humor. E and I continue to have a wonderful, "how in the world did we get so lucky" relationship, even though he doesn't know where we keep the vacuum. (Dammit, it's in the kitchen closet.) Please don't feel sorry for me and please don't suggest that I'm focusing too much on this having a child thing because of what I write here. This blog is about one subject, which happens to be a fairly emotional one. And a personal one. I get a great amount of support from the act of writing here and from the comments. By reading this blog, you subject yourself to the jurisdiction of me, the Supreme Queen Goddess, which could mean anything I want, depending on the day and my mood. So conduct yourself accordingly. Don't coddle or pity me, unless I ask for it or unless you too have struggled with infertility, then coddle away.
There, that feels better. Thank you for listening. Please sign the attached waiver in triplicate before a notary and we'll be ready to roll. Again.
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15 comments:
Excellent disclaimer! This is the one place you can feel free to obsess, though I had an inkling there's a lot more to you than babylust. You know we'd keep reading through weeks, nay months, of the most scathing sad/pissed posts.
Well, since it happened, I'm glad it passed swiftly and you can see what you're ready for next.
Oh, I want to coddle you. I want to give you chocolate and wine and get a manicure with you. Of course, I can't do that over the internet, so you will have to do it without me. We are so much more than IF, but it doesn't make it suck any less.
I am glad that it didn't linger, that that portion of the pain isn't drawn out. But I am still sad and pissed for you. I hope the bluebirds start chirping and spring blossoms and all that jazz.
Oh, I'm so glad that you are feeling better now, and it seems a bit hopeful too.
Infertility IS emotional, dammit. It's hard for me as I pride myself in NOT being emotional, at least in real life. But the ups and downs of this are really something.
Anyway, sending you more chocolate and wine thoughts...
Although I'm still horribly incredibly sad that "zero" is even in your vocabulary, I'm glad that you didn't have to suffer an extended dwindling.
As for that ever-elusive vacuum, my DH knows which closet it's in, but tried to bury it under his stuff so I wouldn't try to make him use it. They're tricky, these fellas.
(P.S. Great disclaimer!)
I love the last part of this post. If I were in the room with you, I have a feeling I would be laughing along with you. Just you, me and the crickets.
I'm glad that at least you aren't in limbo and you can start moving forward.
awesome disclaimer. I wish I could coddle you in a non-snuggley sort of way. In a red wine, stomp our feet, smash some glasses sort of way.
and maybe cook something good.
I'm glad things are feeling a little brighter.
I love the comments already, and your disclaimer is perfect. I hope you don't have to edit yourself too much here. I hate that we are made to feel as if we're defined by our IF experience. and I hate feeling pitied too.
also happy your body is doing it's thing and allowing you to try again if and when you're ready. thinking of you. ~luna
We'd go crazy if we couldn't let it all out someplace. This is harmless to everyone else (don't they know what they'd get if we didn't do this??) and so therapeutic for us. Fire away in your unedited and honest fashion. We are all so much better off for it.
When you are ready to start hoping and trying again, we'll all be here rootin' for you. Until then, pissed and sad is the state we are in right along with you.
I too know the sting of a zero hcg. I'm glad you can come here and share what you feel. Thanks for saying what we are all thinking...don't feel sorry for me or try to fix it!
I am going to print out the discalimer, photocopy and laminate it 100 times and post it to my nearest and dearest. I might add a section on 'things it's not a good idea to say to me right now', including:
*If you think negative, of course it will turn out negative
*Just relax about the IVF thing, you're still young. My friend's aunty was 52 when she had a baby.
and
* Well if it upsets you why put yourself through it?
I think sad and pissed but ok is the best way to describe it.
I am glad that your return to zero was quick, it does make it a little easier.
Good luck going forward!
Congrats on the zero. After each of my miscarriages, both that zero and the return of menstruation have been such a perverse source of relief.
I'm sorry about SAD AND PISSED. I have been there too.
Awesome disclaimer. I am with you, and supporting you, from the virtual blogland. I admire your honesty, and your courage in the face of the unfair challenges you are bearing.
I'm coddling you silly. I'm happy for you that your levels have gone down - but I know how incredibly hard it is. Believe me, I know.
And, you are well within your rights (as well as the statute of limitations) to be sad and pissed. Unfortunately, unless a family member or friend has gone through this, you will inevitably sound morose, obsessed and disappointed - only when you have been through infertility can you know that these feelings are normal and quite therapeutic.
Thanks also for your wonderful, supportive comments on my blog. I can feel your hug through the lines.
Of course you are sad and pissed. This is an AWFUL experience to go through. You are so right that there is so much more to you than only this aspect but, at the moment, this is a huge thing and it is ok to feel it. It is important to feel it even.
I'm thinking of you x
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