Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Winter of my Discontent


As the winter of 2007 concludes, I say good riddance you heartless bitch. I can't recall a winter in near history that has leveled me quite like this one. Days upon days of cold, gray, sad, sunless blah. Our week in St. John in January is the one event that saved me from mainlining prozac. (She proudly notes that her advanced needle skills would ensure said mainlining would be a snap.) Couple the sunless blah with my first failed IVF in November and my fleeting pregnancy in March, I flip winter the bird and say bring on the sun. (The attached is Anguilla from 2004...look at that water...look at that girl...She looks so fertile.)


And Friday we had sun. A beautiful, warm, Springish day. I could feel the layers of gloom and melaniecholy slipping away. Yesterday, Easter, we had snow the size of packing peanuts. But today, sun. Shining in through the window, warming my face; it melts away the grime. Like many of us, I have never been so ready for a new season, a fresh perspective, the certainty of warm weather ahead. Because certainty is, well, certainly illusive.


If I have learned anything during this process (other than developing a certain proclivity for the dildo cam) it's that infertility is very much a solitary road. Sure, I've received wonderful support both IRL and through the computer, but ultimately you're trudging through the hills by yourself without a reliable compass and with less than definitive trail markings. And at some point, you're going to be faced with a decision: keep trudging or veer off. Most of us can't pinpoint with any certainty when that decision will be made or where you might veer off. (At the Four Seasons exit, please.)

An illustration: On Saturday I was sitting under the hair dryer, waiting for my natural blond highlights to reappear and a wave of sadness washed through me. The tears flopped over my nose and onto the People magazine and I held my breath. Just to try to center. Blinked a few times. Closed my eyes. Felt the sadness fill me up and felt it slowly leave. Waited for the bitter twinge to also leave; the "why me" to fade away. It did. And then I wondered when I would be certain.

I don't have the answer now. Now I just deal with the uncertainty as best I can. And wait for Spring to settle in and get nicely situated. And for the Winter of 2007 to be a distant memory.

16 comments:

shinejil said...

That's all we can do, really. It would be so easy, if we only knew that this would work, that won't, it will all end well...

Instead, we have to live with these shots in the dark. Emphasis on the shots. And keep trudging along with just the faintest touch of hope to keep us going.

I hope the sun keeps shining this week.

PJ said...

I hear ya! What a crappy winter, pretty much on all fronts.

Here's hoping that we can move on to warm weather and positive outcomes!

Ahuva Batya said...

The sadness comes at such odd times, doesn't it? You will know, when you know. How is that for philosophy? I hope that the slow spring warms you up and helps you forget about the crappy winter it has been.

Denise said...

I really hope that spring melts away the cold memories of this winter for you. Or at least helps to soften the sharp edges.

Io said...

"...ultimately you're trudging through the hills by yourself without a reliable compass and with less than definitive trail markings." This is so beautifully true and so sad.
I am also very happy to welcome the sun back - each day that gets closer to spring is making me feel slightly more sane. Slightly.

Io said...

Oh, and your vacations sound wonderful - if you ever want to adopt an older child to take with you, I am totally available.

Patti said...

Wow, do I ever understand what you mean by the waves of sadness. My husband and I were at the movies watching a comedy and out of nowhere the wave hit me and I shed several tears. Finally, I was able to take a deep breath and let it go. But it's hard and I'm not sure it'll ever get easier. But we have to try, right?

Love the picture, by the way. Could you feel the waves of envy emanating from me?

S said...

Well said. The grief and frustration and dread and guilt washes over my body in waves. Sometimes sticky around only for a minute and the tear clear, other times shaking my soul and my heart aches for days.

Duck said...

this winter really was a bitch, let's face it the year of 2007 was just a dark lonely soul breaking time, at least for me.
The sun will heal us all.

luna said...

my discontent too, sister. I say bring spring on. I know those moments well. wishing you a brighter and better spring. ~luna

Carrie said...

It is a lonely road. No mistakes.
I hope the sun can warm your heart a little xx

Frenchie said...

I am surprised by overwhelming waves of sadness and "why me's" at the weirdest times, too. It's totally unpredictable.

Here's hoping the sun warms your soul and heart, and that the rest of 2008 will hold happy memories.

Rebeccah said...

How delightful to see you in that lovely sun-drenched happy photo! Sigh. The winter of 2007 bit bigtime and is lingering longer than it should. Let's hear it for spring and vacations and wonderful white-sand beaches. One for everyone!

Jen said...

Can I throw in fall 2007 too?

I hope the change in seasons brings a change in fortune too!

Jen said...

May your Spring come soon. I will be thinking of you.

JamieDH said...

I, too, am more than ready to put a close to the fall/winter of 2007. When your closest friends are telling you to start buying lottery tickets because your luck has to give, you know there is a problem.