I'll take your two weeks and raise you two.

Those of us who don't have the reproductive systems of 20 year olds ("hee hee, I get pregnant just thinking about it." Whatever.) need to find creative ways to soldier through the obstacles of assisted reproductive technology, including the dreaded two week wait. As my second in vitro attempt concludes, I feel compelled to share my "learnings" (corporate-speak, sorry) of how to do just that.

1. It's too easy to dispose of needles in a Sharps container. Stop throwing those syringes in the trash. Instead, use them to recreate miniature replicas of early 17th century cargo ships (the Mayflower, anyone?). Use your left over estrogen patches as sails. They'll look fabu hanging above your couch.

2. Forget the millennials and their texting. The language d'infertile has real promise and should be explored as an alternative means of communication:

"So, TTTC?"
"Yep, PCOS."
"Me too. And AMA."
"IVF?"
"Not yet, IUI."
"FET."
"3day or 5day?"
"POAS yet?"
"Nah. BETA tomorrow."

3. One should take care to remember that not all medical personnel you encounter are involved in your reproductive trials and tribulations. For example, you do not need to spread your legs for your dentist (unless you are confident his sperm function is superior and then ask for the written report). Do not question the competence of your eye doctor simply because she does not have a dildo cam in the examining room. Do not call the nurse at your internist's office a "weanie" after a tenuous blood draw. Similarly, it's not kind to tell the mother of an obnoxious three year old that you're sure her child would have been a CC blast.

4. And last, avoid the two week wait if at all possible. For example, my BETA is now tomorrow instead of Monday, which means my two week wait is actually just over a week. I'm now convinced that, by the end of my in vitro journey, whenever that is, I will not only not have a two week wait, I will know the results of my BETA prior to transfer.


I will post tomorrow with the news.