Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I'll take your two weeks and raise you two.

Those of us who don't have the reproductive systems of 20 year olds ("hee hee, I get pregnant just thinking about it." Whatever.) need to find creative ways to soldier through the obstacles of assisted reproductive technology, including the dreaded two week wait. As my second in vitro attempt concludes, I feel compelled to share my "learnings" (corporate-speak, sorry) of how to do just that.

1. It's too easy to dispose of needles in a Sharps container. Stop throwing those syringes in the trash. Instead, use them to recreate miniature replicas of early 17th century cargo ships (the Mayflower, anyone?). Use your left over estrogen patches as sails. They'll look fabu hanging above your couch.

2. Forget the millennials and their texting. The language d'infertile has real promise and should be explored as an alternative means of communication:

"So, TTTC?"
"Yep, PCOS."
"Me too. And AMA."
"IVF?"
"Not yet, IUI."
"FET."
"3day or 5day?"
"POAS yet?"
"Nah. BETA tomorrow."

3. One should take care to remember that not all medical personnel you encounter are involved in your reproductive trials and tribulations. For example, you do not need to spread your legs for your dentist (unless you are confident his sperm function is superior and then ask for the written report). Do not question the competence of your eye doctor simply because she does not have a dildo cam in the examining room. Do not call the nurse at your internist's office a "weanie" after a tenuous blood draw. Similarly, it's not kind to tell the mother of an obnoxious three year old that you're sure her child would have been a CC blast.

4. And last, avoid the two week wait if at all possible. For example, my BETA is now tomorrow instead of Monday, which means my two week wait is actually just over a week. I'm now convinced that, by the end of my in vitro journey, whenever that is, I will not only not have a two week wait, I will know the results of my BETA prior to transfer.


I will post tomorrow with the news.

12 comments:

Evil Stepmonster said...

Love the language!

My 2ww was 10 days. Still horrid. So you really haven't poas?

Good luck for tomorrow!! I'm hoping for big strong numbers.

Io said...

You kick ass.
Good luck tomorrow and make sure you secure that boat artwork well - don't want it to rain needles while you're watching the news or something!

PJ said...

You rock!

No kidding, those needles are better than lincoln logs.

I hope you get a BFP soon!

Rebeccah said...

Ha - good one! Can't wait to hear your results -- will be keeping all appendages crossed for you. On a different note, I've tagged you on my blog : )

heather said...

exciting!! my 2ww was 15 days and that sucked big time. good luck tomorrow!!!

heather (saltandpickles)

Mrs.X said...

Luckily, I haven't been seized with the urge to get undressed for my dentist (although, he is rather hot). But, I'm still young.

I don't know what I would do if they moved up my beta. So much of it is getting ready for the date they tell you and then to have them move it! Quel horror!

I hope things go well for you tomorrow! Big beta! No whammies!

Denise said...

You crack me up. Good luck tomorrow! I'll be thinking about you and stalking your blog hourly.

luna said...

I'd like to see pix of the artwork...

hoping for some good news tomorrow!
~luna

Almamay said...

All the best for your beta.

Very, funny post.

Jen said...

Good luck tomorrow! I'm crossing everything!

TABI said...

Love the post! GOOD LUCK with beta tomorrow!! Sending you lots of positive vibes! B-F-P! B-F-P!!!

Ahuva Batya said...

This post is awesome and cracked me up! I love the ideas for keeping yourself occupied during the dreaded 2WW. Good luck tomorrow!